My basic nature is to undermine myself. As a child, I was taught to be humble. But, I take humility to a different level altogether. To add fuel, of late, some elements in my life have left no stone upturned to point my negatives to my face. Thing is, I know my negatives very well. So, if you need to point it out to me, rest assured, you are fabricating it.
Anyway, the other night, a friend said something which goes on the lines of: I am proud of what I am not; but I am not proud of what I am.
I couldn't agree more. I am not the best person one could be; neither am I the prettiest or the topper or the most talented. But I have laboriously ensured that I am not the worst person ever. This, I was not born with. This, I had to work upon. Consciously and with a lot of help from my mother. She didn't know what I was aiming for, I mean who would have guessed that I was aiming to be not the worst person around!
But here I am, not the best but definitely not the worst there could be. Here is why:
I never forget kindness. Things people do or say, knowingly or unknowingly, are known to leave their marks. Mostly hurt marks. Yes, we remember who was bad to us. But we forget to remember who was kind to us. I try to. Not because I want to be a saint. But, to make my life simpler. (eg) I will always remember the eraser you had lent me in junior school, when today, you are out to steal my boyfriend. If my boyfriend wants to be stolen, no one can stop him. But you, I can forgive (or overlook), if I remember you had been kind to me once.
I love a lot. I never stop loving. If you matter today, you will matter always. On the flipside, I let go of people. If you are someone I have been close to at some point of time but things soured or we just drifted apart - I might not be wishing you on your birthdays any more, but you are still in my thoughts almost everyday. If I have prayed for you once, probability is, I still do.
I have nothing to hide. I embrace the wrongs I have done. I have been a rebel since I was 17. From my grades going down, to being too lazy to grab opportunities, to basically being a disappointment I easily could have avoided being, I am open about it all. I am not proud of myself, but in a way I am - of the fact that I have nothing in my life that I want to hide. Maa had told me once long back - never do anything you cannot discuss with yourself, 'cause we are the most ashamed to admit things to ourselves than to strangers. Or as someone who used to be special once had said - Make sure you can face the (wo)man in the mirror. I have just followed this blindly.
I will always keep you before me. I give people chances. This is a family thing, this is the only way I know. Nani, Maa ... this is how they are too. Mind it, neither has ever been the submissive bharatiya naari ever. But, they have kept others' needs, even emotional, first. And that's what I do. You do something wrong, I might be seething with anger, but I will cool down and tell myself, "Oh! He must have had a bad day."
Yes, this does involve getting walked all over by just about anyone, but hey, this is how I am.
I read. I keep myself entertained, and I expand the horizons of my own mind. I carry my books everywhere, even if to a super market. All my purses have a book inside. Meet me and you will know, I am anything but a nerd. One doesn't need to think of how to entertain me, if I am visiting them - chances are I would prefer to be left alone.
I am dominant. What I mean is, I am not a submissive personality. Until I want to be dominated. I don't take orders. Except from Maa. And S. And A. I am actually a bit scared of these three. Seriously? Scared? Naa. I submit/listen to them, cause I want to. And I would never want to hurt them.
Why did I put all this in a blogpost? Not to tell you. You are probably reading this, because you saw the link. Well, thank you. I would love to hear from you. But, I put this together, to read on those low days when I have been told how wrong and bad and worthless I am.
'Coz like you all, I am not a very bad person either.